beyond perpetually horny
a reflection on my most popular substack and what comes next.
It has officially been one year since my most popular Substack, Being Perpetually Horny, was published and it is currently sitting at just above 14,000 views. I am forever grateful that people found this piece of writing relatable & deeply connected to it. Recently, this piece has done a second round on the platform which I’m also very thankful for. It has me thinking about how I would follow it up. I wrote that piece during a time when one small conversation led to a whole revelation on how I interpreted my sexuality at that point in my life. Now, a year later, I am still perpetually horny and I ventured out into the dating scene via apps and got absolutely nowhere. What’s frustrating is that I felt open: ready for connection, wanting to pick up a lover, to feel desire and intimacy. But the men I matched with weren’t looking for that. They couldn’t even muster a single conversation about sexual health to simply hook up. I made a video discussing this very issue and how men are just impatient when it comes to sex and the men I was encountering didn’t want to connect with me on that level. Once I deleted the apps, it proved to me that dating isn’t really my priority right now. My memory of being on the apps fade so quickly it’s like I never signed back up. I have been interested by the concept of sexual transmutation (using natural sexual energy and taking it to put into my creative expression). I have been more creative in the last six months than in the past couple of years, pushing out content more consistently by tapping into that energy and exploring the topics I have been sitting on for months.
This leads me to where I’m at in terms of sexuality and going back & forth about whether I am gay or bisexual. I know I find men attractive, but I feel I’m closing myself off to women and not giving them a chance. Two things have propelled these thoughts:
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First, a TikTok video where the creator flippfone mentioned how women need to date queer men. I had been battling the thought that if men are gay, they’re not for women but that may not apply to queer people. The video suggested women reevaluate masculinity through a queer lens. The idea is that women often want a benevolent patriarchy—a man who has all of the traits of traditional mascline energy: fit, protecting, financial and emotionally provides but is also a feminist and a socialist. When you think about it, those are literally just queer, bisexual, or trans men. That really challenged my thinking and forced me out of the binary.
On top of that, I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time and enjoyed it greatly. I would love to see it live. What I really enjoyed was the motif of sexual fluidity among the main couple, Brad & Janet, Frank-N-Furter, and Rocky. It made me feel a lot of ooey-gooey things, but also a little fear; the kind where I realized I’m really closing myself off in addition to limiting these types of experiences because I still feel insecure in my body and how I will be perceived when I express my sexuality.I’ve been really going back and forth on whether I’m comp-het or actually attracted to men. Let me just say this: I do find men very attractive, but I also find women very attractive.
I’ve been gravitating toward a lot of sapphic and gay media—movies, TV, music (for example: Ponyboi, Heated Rivalry, kwn, Sasha Keable, Doechii). I think it’s the universe is saying this is something I should explore as I approach my next year. I’m turning 28 next year which starts my Saturn return in the 7th house, which represents relationships, partnerships, and long-term commitment and it’s in Aries. This combination can create an ongoing dialogue between independence and intimacy. That’s given me a lot to think about in terms of moving forward with this part of myself.
Everything I said in the essay Being Perpetually Horny I still firmly believe. However, I want there to be an evolution. I want to be confident in that evolution, to trust myself in it, and to still lean on the side that knows I am all of these things and it will continue to make me who I am today.