my fatness does not equal desperate
what a weekend of tinder escapades showed me^
For the month of January,my ovulation cycle was brutal. I was coming across tons of Heated Rivalry edits on TikTok, and it just had me feeling so horny. I thought of the bright idea to re-download Tinder just to see what was going on. Honestly the whole experience from the weekend that followed left me felt annoyed and pissed off. All names have been changed (I also unmatched everyone so I don’t remember their names anyway).
Let’s start with Ahmed, who I matched with on Wednesday. My main purpose for my Tinder escapades, I accepted that I am strictly looking to hook up. I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to or not because of my internal shame and it coming up when I decide to be a liberated woman. So I made a deal with myself: I wil lget tested after my time with whoever I match with use protection NO EXCEPTIONS. Ahmed was nice when chatting: he asked me curious questions and knew how to make conversation. I know how to play the flirting game and honestly, it’s kind of funny sometimes because when I know those moments are coming, I just laugh.I think the theatrics make the experience unique and doesn’t neccesarily turn me on but it does amuse me. We were trying to figure out where to go because since I live at home, my place is not an option. I tell him my place is not available then he asked if I wanted to go to a hotel with him. Now this is a choice to make and can come off hasty which I get but that is the choice I accepted. He said that he would be down for a hotel but then I didn’t hear from him for like the rest of the day. Mind you, our conversation takes place all day so when he stopped talking to me and I just kept thinking, “did he stop talking to me because I wouldn’t offer to pay for the hotel?” I even offered to go halfsies but ultimately he ghosted, My theory is that he was traveling, but neglected to put his profile on passport mode. He said that he was in town for a funeral, so should have been a red flag. We didn’t do anything-nothing made it out the chat.
The next man I matched with was Brad. He lived probably within 10-15 minutes of me. He’s a Russian dude which I was down for. I had sex for the first time with a Russian dude from Bumble so had decent hopes. He did not waste time in the chat and asked to hook up in the next 10 minutes. I made the rookie mistake by telling him that he can’t come over because I live with family. I told him I would be down to come to him and he automatically unmatched me. I understood from his point and moved on to the next.
The third guy I matched with is Sal. This guy was from Jersey which I found intriguing because how did he end up in Ohio? We were texting and this is the one I felt very conflicted with back and forth on whether I was going to go see him or not. The strong sexual urges were taking over me but my mind was still getting in the way of me going. At first he offered to pick me up so we can drive around and make out. There’s a part of me that’s like, “oh well, I never really do this so why not?” But then I was like, “What? No, I’m not gonna do that.” Sal then suggested that I can come over. I said I was going to but I made it very clear that I just don’t want to fuck. I wanted a steamy makeout session and to hang out to get to know each other better.
I show up to his apartment and it is very rinky dinky typical male apartment setup. He’s a bodybuilder. so he had weights in the corner. He had a dog and it shed everywhere. That’s something I do remember. We were talking and honestly, it wasn’t bad. He told me how he left Jersey to come to here. He wanted somewhere random and that he wanted to know no one which is something I get. He was currently getting certified to be a mental health professional for addicts because he’s also a former addict (it was steriods). Another big thing was that he found god and is a Christian which usually I side eye but I was trying to be non judgemental. During this time, the conversation was pleasant but it wasn’t really steamy or building steam now that I think about it.
Right when things could go up, it goes downhill fast. We got on the topic of children and I mentioned how the millennial parents are dropping the ball when it comes to their kids. He said,
“Yeah, because they let their kids be transies.”
…I misheard that for sure.
“Wait, what’d you say?”
“They’re being transies.”
OH. You are that type of person.
The vibe shifted quickly and I mentioned that I had been around the LGBT+ community all of my life and that my closest friends were apart of that. I even mentioned my own journey of me figuring out my sexuality so in my head, I was thinking that he must have put that in a box and ignored because clearly there is a compatibility issue here. I continued with me saying that people in the community usually figure out this one thing about themselves at a young age and it is not something that can happen suddenly. We are going back and forth for a strong five minutes because he was trying to use the Bible to justify his belief but I don’t follow in the Bible so the way I see it is that you are supposed to love your neighbor and yet think like this? In my head, I’m thinking, “You’re literally going to school to become a mental health crisis counselor and you’re being homophobic and transphobic? Your empathy only goes so far? Where does it go?” At that point, we both knew that we were not going to move each other on the issue so he wanted to go to bed and I left. It’s the way I got out of there ASAP because that was cursed energy. Then he wanted me to give him a hug like nigga, we didn’t even fucking kiss. I was more frustrated because I came all the way out there to not do anything sexually then having to defend my LGBT+ folks and myself for simply existing. I was even too tired to rub one out.
Then we get to the fourth guy of the weekend, Malik. I matched with Malik and he super liked me which got me very excited. When I tell you this man was hot, attractive, a 10. I had a girls night with my best friend Mel where we went bar hopping, had mediocre sushi and wanted to feel spontaneous. My mission for the evening was to get laid. We’re texting throughout the night. I’m not playing games. I was feeling good. I was looking good. By the end of the night, I asked once for all, “You want me to come over, let me know.” He said that his place was a mess and on the north side of Columbus but I didn’t care. I wanted dick. After I dropped Mel, I asked him if he had condoms because I did not bring any condoms with me because I didn’t know if I was going anywhere. This nigga had audacity to text to my phone that he didn’t use condoms. In the year of our lord 2026. Here is our hilarious exchange:
When I tell you I saw his response I died laughing because who said that? Who called him dirty because it was not me. I think it is even funnier to see people’s projection come out so easily because the first word I actually thought of was “reckless”. The energy he came with when replying to me felt like he was shocked that I didn’t have sex with him and that I should be lucky that I even matched with him in the first place. I licked my wounds in the comfort of my own bed to which I laid in until 10am because my body was so tired.
The weekend wraps up and I was left so frustrated and annoyed because I wanted dick. SO BAD. I had enough confidence and self esteem to fight with the internal shame I was feeling because I felt like indulging in my primal nature that would deem me as undesirable or get judgment because I wanted to hook up with men from Tinder. Instead, I was humbled and had to redefine my mentailty around how easy men were because maybe they aren’t. It finally dawned on me that I may be perceived as desperate on the dating apps because of my fatness. More times than not, I am getting the notifications of people who like me and it truly feels like goblins are liking me. Men who are not visually put together, hobbies & interests not aligning, political beliefs not aligning and I am confused. I look well dressed, well rounded and someone who likes to have conversation and these people think that they have a real chance with me. I make it very clear on my profile that I would like to match with someone who is not afraid to be with plus sized women but even the ones I match still perceive me as much because if I don’t conform to what they want, then I get ghosted. The same men who put on their profile on how if they match with me, they want someone to say hi. When I say hi and ask a question based on their profile, crickets. I don’t want to have this general thought about men online but the thought now comes up with every match. The postitive out of this situation was me reaffirming that I can stand up for myself and know where my boundaries are because if I was really desparate, I would have swallowed my own feelings to do something with Sal. I would ignored my best judgment and go have unprotected sex with Malik but I didn’t. I know that I crave romantic connection and intimacy but it seems like that no matter where I am in the process, I can’t get that thing I want. Even when I am putting myself first. For the first time, I felt like an incel [I mean the original meaning coined by the creator Alana who created Alana’s Involuntary Celibacy Project] and it was not a good feeling. The major difference between me and men who claim to be an incel is that I do not share the urge to target men and other women who are able to find romance/intimacy easy. I turned myself towards my creative efforts to ground myself into my goals and activities I can control. I mean I am writing this substack am I? I promptly deleted my dating apps and will try again in the spring when I am able to get laid in the exact way I want to.